3 Amazing Days with Suzi

It's been 13 years since I last saw my sister Suzi and I’m so glad I decided to visit her as part of this journey: we both needed it.

From the moment she met me at Fayetteville Airport on Friday evening until she dropped me back there again on Monday, we didn't stop talking. We had a lifetime worth of stories to remember and years worth of news, thoughts and feelings to catch up on.

I think we both came away with revised perspectives of each other. I’d guess that she is more aware of my vulnerabilities and fears than before. I see her as stronger and more willful than ever before (In fact she told me that her strategy has always been to seem to agree with what she was told, but then to go ahead and do what she wants anyway). She's also more joyful than I've ever seen her: she told me she's always loved to play and (particularly) now that she’s passed the age where she has to be responsible for others, she’s free to indulge in her own childlike joy. She plays with her grandchildren (and always has) and they love her for it. They all have rich stories to tell of spending time with her.

On Sunday Suzi had planned a lovely family reunion-supper and I had a wonderful afternoon getting re-acquainted with 3 of her 4 children: Amy, Eric and Wendy (Sarah and her family live in Texas and couldn't come), as well as Eric's (lovely) fiancé, Melissa, his bright and fabulous daughter, Sammy and Wendy's extraordinary husband Tony and their fantastic daughters Brittney and Brooke. I particularly enjoyed getting to know 9-yr-old Brooke who is bright, curious and intrigued by her (exotic) Australian relatives. We promised to write. It's a promise I intend to keep.

It was wonderful to flesh out the family stories from their perspective: Amy told me that she and Dad used to debate about things: he’d challenge her and she’d go study up on whatever the subject and come back with fresh and informed arguments. They once debated the Communist Manifesto (sounds remarkably similar to my own debates with him over nuclear proliferation). I told her that when I'd made a particularly well-constructed argument that Dad couldn't find holes in (but still didn't agree with) He'd say (smiling mischievously), "That's just dumb-ass, Sandy!" Suzi's kids also told stories about how Mum used to roller skate with them in the driveway.

Suzi and I got quite deep into it on Saturday night and talked late into the night about our childhood memories. We were both quite open about our experiences and feelings growing up. She seemed to feel a little discomfort with the depth of our discussion the next day and I understood that the concern might be based on her uncertainty about how I might use the information I gather on this journey (perhaps because of this blog or how all of this will figure into my thesis). I tried to reassure her that I realise that my perceptions are just that - my perceptions and that I know that my truths are not necessarily everyone's or THE truth. Suzi told me that just as we were falling off to sleep, angels (or something similar) came to her and though their energy seemed a bit confused (or confusing), she felt they were saying that we need to be careful about the stories we pass on: that it’s okay for the two of us to share our mutual stories, but that we need to take care that we don’t colour what others might think of our ancestors by perpetrating our own perceptions. I told Suzi that I was quite sure something did come to her to tell her that: it was very much the message that I got from Nana my last night in Malden. I told Suzi about my own similar experience and what I had taken from it. And we both realised that the only real difference was that what she perceived as angels, I perceived as ancestors. But, I also told her that I thought there may have been more to their message than just a warning: I think they had also come to say that the fact that we were together– with NO barriers between us – honouring, enjoying and deeply connecting with each other again - is a blessed thing, a sacred thing.

And finally, here's a really tasty piece of genealogical intrigue: As we looked through old photos, Suzi talked to me about a family reunion we'd attended as children (mainly, I think, of the Ruggles side of the family) to celebrate Aunt Gus (Ruggles) and Uncle Walter's 75th wedding anniversary. Sometime during the event, Nana Tolstrup pointed out some particular relatives to Sue and said that they'd come all the way from Australia. So...I want to know...who were they, where are they and can I find them? Only time will tell, but wouldn't it be a kick if they lived nearby?

A Genuine Adams Family Reunion

Went to the Adams Family reunion and apart from Jim, Mark and Dave, it featured a room full of 40 or so people who I really didn’t know. I think most everyone was in the same boat. There were factions of people who seemed to have some on-going combined history, but for the most part people were strangers to each other...and almost everyone was a stranger to me.

This reunion was the doing of my father’s only surviving sibling, Aunt Alice who I last saw at my father’s funeral 20 years ago. Also present was her husband, (Uncle) Bob and their children Steven, Chris, Mary and Mike who I last remember seeing when I was about 10; My cousins Beverly and Doug who I’ve probably not seen since the 1950’s; and my cousins Adam and Matt who (despite seeing them the night before) I hardly knew and had seen only once before that when I was about 15 years old.

Though somewhat surreal, the day was pleasant and I think that’s mainly because we all just wanted to get together. Aunt Alice and Uncle Bob seemed genuinely happy to see me - actually to see us all - and despite the busy-ness of the day, I managed to have quite deep conversations with both. With Aunt Alice there was a lovely conversation about our shared appreciation for my father: I know that she was closer to him than any of his other siblings and it was nice to connect with her that way. She is one of the few people who sees him the way I do – most everyone else is/was a bit in awe of (or felt intimidated by) him. Aunt Alice and I talked about my the depth and strength of my father's character; his deep love for his family; his goodness. We both miss him, immensely. Uncle Bob expressed his (surprisingly deep) appreciation for my adventuresome (restless) spirit and wanted to know - in great detail - about Max's and my life abroad.

Most of the people present were my generation of cousins: I caught up with a few of them, spoke to their wives and children (some near-adult 2nd cousins from Cleveland who are now plotting their own travel adventures in Australia), but the most glorious piece of it all was my 2nd cousin Julia (daughter of my cousin Dave) and her lovely little family. Julia is married to a wonderful fellow named Chris and together they have a gorgeous pistol of a daughter, Ella. Julia is of Max’s generation and she, like Max, handles and manages the insanity and intensity around her with grace and dignity. Perhaps the difficulties of their early years is what has helped forge them into such remarkable adults, but I think both of them must have been born with an extraordinary sense of self to have become such strong and clear adults. I am grateful for the opportunity to get to know Julia better, am hugely proud to be related to her and am very happy that she has made it a point to reconnect with Max . I am going to encourage him to attend to that connection.

If you think you're enlightened, go home for the holidays

I Arrived in Boston just in time for the pre-reunion reunion: that is a reunion of the various, disparate factions of my family who are related through an intertwined series of marriages, divorces and liaisons. Follow this, if you can. First, my father Ed (Adams) married my mother Marjorie (Tolstrup). They had 2 daughters - me and my sister Suzi. My father's sister (Laura) married my mother's brother (David). They had 3 sons, David, Mark and Jim. David and Laura were friends with Carl and Barbara Goodwin, who had 2 sons, Peter and Paul. So far, so good.

Then Carl and Laura fell in love. They divorced their spouses, married each other, and had 2 more sons - Adam and Matthew. Sometime later, David and Barbara married and their families merged: David, Mark, Jim, Peter and Paul were raised together in a house on Nobel St in Malden Massachusetts that originally belonged to my grandmother and grandfather Tolstrup.

So, the official Adams family reunion included David, Mark, Jim, Adam and Matt, but not Peter and Paul. This despite the fact that David, Mark, Jim Peter and Paul were all raised together as brothers. Complicating matters is the fact that, though they were not raised with any of their half-brothers, Adam and Matt are related to Dave, Mark and Jim through their mother and to Peter and Paul through their father. Because there is no blood tie, Peter and Paul were not invited to the Adams family reunion and everybody but them seemed a bit disgruntled about it.
The solution manifested itself as the pre-reunion reunion where ALL of the brothers, their wives and children (and in one very special case grandchild), David & Barbara were present. I arrived out of a month's worth of ecstatic adventures and was welcomed into the fold as a kind of prodigal daughter. It was really quite wonderful. These people are my people.